[ she feels a little guilty, especially now realizing that she might have caught dana at work. but while she's typically been able to hold herself together, the circumstances of how they've been living in this town, how it's been so different from travelling cross country, actually feeling some semblance of settlement, makes this strike a little harder than it's been for a while.
like she said, the house feels too quiet, so she urges luke to follow her, the pup still seeming a bit confused as to the disappearance of his owner, and settles onto the porch for the next hour, legs tucked up on the porch swing as the dog eventually snoozes out on the wooden floor in front of her.
head resting on her knees, she eventually lifts it up when she spots dana in the distance getting closer, arm rising to give a small wave. ]
[ the reality is that she has a job she can afford to leave like this, since the odds of anyone spontaneously requiring art supplies in the middle of the afternoon are pretty low and she can always call someone else to come over and cover for her if it's an emergency. here and now, there's nothing that hasn't convinced her that this isn't an emergency, that she's needed somewhere else, and as soon as she can make sure the store is locked up with the keys left in a place for the next employee to retrieve she's already running over.
it used to take her almost twenty minutes to cross town from work to the house she knows as well as her own. now she can do it inside of five.
by the time she slows to a walk further up the street, rounding the corner, she doesn't even have to draw in a harsher breath through her nose to pick up on the hints of a familiar scent on the summer breeze, and her theory about addy's whereabouts are confirmed the moment she spots her on the front porch. making it from the sidewalk to where addy's sitting is more of a blur as she lets her senses guide her, where she finally lets her bag drop to the wood and then sinks to sit on the swing too before wrapping her arms around the other woman for a steady embrace, a sigh breathed into addy's hair. ] I'm so sorry.
[ when she'd first come back here after three years of being back in the apocalypse, she hadn't known what to feel when seeing dana, how all the history that had formed between them left her uncertain of what they even were now that so much had changed. back then, she'd feel the tightness in her belly from the waves of emotions clashing together, things she so desperately wanted to escape confronting.
now, the moment she sees the familiar redhead, it's relief that washes her, and if dana hadn't been so quick to get to her first, addy might have jumped up from the swing herself to throw her arms around her.
it feels good to feel the warmth of her, and though things have changed in what those feelings entailed, it doesn't change the importance of what dana means to her. and now, with kai gone, it's all the more evident how much she needs her with her, even if it's not quite in the same way she had once hoped.
she had planned to say something, but instead she squeezes her arm around dana's frame, letting herself sink in the embrace, as she curls her face into her shoulder. eyes shutting tight, she fights the desire to cry, even if it threatens with a dampness on her lashes. as much as she could hold those back, she can't stop the audible sob in her voice, the sound only making her hide her face all the more. ]
[ she acknowledged the reality of the situation a long time ago — and that is, things between her and addy might always be complicated, the lines of their relationship sometimes blurring when she least expects them to, but in the same breath, she's always going to consider addy her best friend. whatever else happens between them, whatever else this town puts them through — addy can always call, and dana will always go to her, no matter what.
but the losses are hitting her too, more than she's let herself feel; she'd gone through the motions of locking up the store just so she could focus on something other than the fresh pain of despair in her chest, sadness at having lost yet another friend, and she knows it must be hitting addy hard too if she's been sitting at the house surrounded by every single reminder of how kai just isn't here anymore.
addy curls into her and dana doesn't even have to think about how to hold her; it all comes back in startling, painful clarity, the warmth of the other girl in her arms, the way they've always figured out how to fit together. but she's never held addy like this, with a face buried against her shoulder to stifle wracking sobs, and instinct overrides everything else as the wolf seeks to comfort a member of its pack. she reaches up with one hand to gently stroke over the long strands of addy's hair, from the top of her head down to her back, a slow and repetitive motion that soothes her a little too as she nudges her cheek to addy's temple to whisper softly. ] Shhhh, shh. I'm here, okay? I'm here and I'm not going anywhere.
[ it'd already been a hard enough hit to lose kai, something she'd never actually pictured happening, even if living in the apocalypse teaches you not to get too attached to anything at all, but she doesn't want to imagine what losing dana might be like. returning back had been different, because her memories had distorted into a strange dreamlike haze, convincing her that there was a chance it had all been in her head. but being here now, the loss of her one friend hits her hard, reinforcing the sharp-cutting reality, and she knows if she were to lose dana too, it'd be too much to face.
for all that she's acted tough, pretended to stop feeling, she's never been strong enough to deal with loss. losing mack and lucy was hard enough. she didn't want to lose her friends here, too.
though she'd decided to accept the way things had changed between she and dana, the warm press of her body, the comfort of those steady hands, takes her back a little to a time in which she'd felt the world in these arms. it's different now, but — she still feels for her, still needs her, even in the way of a friend.
weeping softly, she finally lets tears go, ones in which she hasn't allowed to fall in years, not even when she'd felt the loss of lucy in her bones. when she cries now, it's not only for kai, but for everything that's shaken her that she's tried so hard to ignore. she nuzzles her face against dana's shoulder and selfishly mutters, ] Please don't ever disappear.
[ she's no stranger to losing people — not now, not after that fateful weekend that had changed her life forever before she'd been plucked up from certain death and woken up in this town instead — but it does feel like a crueler pill to swallow, getting close enough to people and then having them snatched away without warning, waking up one day to find them gone completely. she knows she has to be grateful for the fact that she hasn't lost everyone, that there are still a few people for her to lean on if she needs to, but right now, she's letting herself feel the pain of these losses, letting herself grieve them with addy too, knowing she feels the same way.
she can't remember the last time she held addy like this, close enough to press her nose against the crown of deep red hair and breathe her in — and if she does it now, selfishly, it's because she's always been comforted by this, by soft strands threading between her fingertips. it's impossible not to have a fleeting, distant reminder of her hands stroking lightly through this hair a long time ago, a threading grip that had guided soft lips to her own, but she tries to shove down what it dredges up for her in the way of feeling anything else because she knows addy needs the comfort as much as she does. ]
I won't. [ she can't make that promise, can she? she can't guarantee that this strange place won't decide to give her up too, but if it does happen it won't be her choice. and maybe that's what she has to fall back on, that she would never willingly leave.
her fingers sweep long hair back from addy's neck, thumb gently stroking against the soft skin of her nape, and she presses her cheek against addy's head, breathing a soft sigh, wet tracks on her own face. she doesn't even remember starting to cry and yet it's already happened. ] I... I can stay over tonight? [ if this reasserts anything in her mind it's that addy shouldn't be by herself in this house right now. ]
[ it's a selfish thing to ask. not only because she has no right to, but because she knows it's not something that anyone can promise. kai hadn't disappeared because he wanted to, and neither had mack or lucy in her own world — no one chooses to just leave like that, not always, and she knows she has no right to ask anyone to ever just stay with her. life doesn't work that way, especially not with a life like her own.
but what she also knows is that despite what she'd given up with dana, what she had presumed wouldn't be possible long before she'd left back to her world for three years, what she reminded herself when she ultimately returned and saw the girl again — is that there's still a corner of her own heart still specifically reserved for the redhead who'd once taken a piece of it. that even if she'd given up the chance at something more, once believing she didn't have enough to offer, it would be fine, just as long as she could keep her in her life somehow.
clutching tight to her now, addy reminds that feeling so vividly, and she wonders if all her tears are for kai or if some part of it is for a different kind of loss she thought she'd forgotten.
and still, she's selfish, selfish for the closeness she earns in her sadness, for dana's lips on her hair and the warmth of her embrace, and maybe it's enough of something, safe enough without crossing boundaries that can't be crossed again. maybe she can be selfish to just have this much again. ]
Yeah. [ she answers quietly, giving a slight nod as to not shift them too much, maintaining the hold as she sniffles. ] Can you?
[ they both know the reality of making a promise like that, that it's wishful thinking at best, but in the moment she's not going to point it out, and she's not going to shatter the hope that addy's still clinging to if she can help it. that isn't what she's here for, and so even after she voices that assurance out loud she doesn't dwell on whether or not she'll be able to keep it. it's just what addy needs to hear from her right now, so there's no hesitance from her in saying it.
and she won't turn away the chance to be close to addy like this either, touches between them that happen without her even having to think about it — which might be dangerous all on its own, but she's not pulling away either. maybe a part of her thought she would have to keep her distance with what's happened between them, with the years that addy went back and lived before returning with all the scars that reflect that time spent away. the hair beneath her fingertips is longer, but deep down, she can still smell addy in it, feel the same comforting press of that softness against her own. ]
Of course. [ like she would've stayed even if addy had wavered at the idea, just wanting more of a confirmation that she's welcome to linger here than anything else.
all of a sudden, she feels a cold wet nose snuffling at her ankles and peers over addy's head to spot kai's puppy curiously investigating what they're up to. the chuckle that rises up out of her is a little teary, but she tips her cheek to addy's head one last time, maintaining contact between them by taking one of her hands and linking their fingers. ] You checking on us too, buddy?
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no subject
[ she feels a little guilty, especially now realizing that she might have caught dana at work. but while she's typically been able to hold herself together, the circumstances of how they've been living in this town, how it's been so different from travelling cross country, actually feeling some semblance of settlement, makes this strike a little harder than it's been for a while.
like she said, the house feels too quiet, so she urges luke to follow her, the pup still seeming a bit confused as to the disappearance of his owner, and settles onto the porch for the next hour, legs tucked up on the porch swing as the dog eventually snoozes out on the wooden floor in front of her.
head resting on her knees, she eventually lifts it up when she spots dana in the distance getting closer, arm rising to give a small wave. ]
no subject
it used to take her almost twenty minutes to cross town from work to the house she knows as well as her own. now she can do it inside of five.
by the time she slows to a walk further up the street, rounding the corner, she doesn't even have to draw in a harsher breath through her nose to pick up on the hints of a familiar scent on the summer breeze, and her theory about addy's whereabouts are confirmed the moment she spots her on the front porch. making it from the sidewalk to where addy's sitting is more of a blur as she lets her senses guide her, where she finally lets her bag drop to the wood and then sinks to sit on the swing too before wrapping her arms around the other woman for a steady embrace, a sigh breathed into addy's hair. ] I'm so sorry.
no subject
now, the moment she sees the familiar redhead, it's relief that washes her, and if dana hadn't been so quick to get to her first, addy might have jumped up from the swing herself to throw her arms around her.
it feels good to feel the warmth of her, and though things have changed in what those feelings entailed, it doesn't change the importance of what dana means to her. and now, with kai gone, it's all the more evident how much she needs her with her, even if it's not quite in the same way she had once hoped.
she had planned to say something, but instead she squeezes her arm around dana's frame, letting herself sink in the embrace, as she curls her face into her shoulder. eyes shutting tight, she fights the desire to cry, even if it threatens with a dampness on her lashes. as much as she could hold those back, she can't stop the audible sob in her voice, the sound only making her hide her face all the more. ]
no subject
but the losses are hitting her too, more than she's let herself feel; she'd gone through the motions of locking up the store just so she could focus on something other than the fresh pain of despair in her chest, sadness at having lost yet another friend, and she knows it must be hitting addy hard too if she's been sitting at the house surrounded by every single reminder of how kai just isn't here anymore.
addy curls into her and dana doesn't even have to think about how to hold her; it all comes back in startling, painful clarity, the warmth of the other girl in her arms, the way they've always figured out how to fit together. but she's never held addy like this, with a face buried against her shoulder to stifle wracking sobs, and instinct overrides everything else as the wolf seeks to comfort a member of its pack. she reaches up with one hand to gently stroke over the long strands of addy's hair, from the top of her head down to her back, a slow and repetitive motion that soothes her a little too as she nudges her cheek to addy's temple to whisper softly. ] Shhhh, shh. I'm here, okay? I'm here and I'm not going anywhere.
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for all that she's acted tough, pretended to stop feeling, she's never been strong enough to deal with loss. losing mack and lucy was hard enough. she didn't want to lose her friends here, too.
though she'd decided to accept the way things had changed between she and dana, the warm press of her body, the comfort of those steady hands, takes her back a little to a time in which she'd felt the world in these arms. it's different now, but — she still feels for her, still needs her, even in the way of a friend.
weeping softly, she finally lets tears go, ones in which she hasn't allowed to fall in years, not even when she'd felt the loss of lucy in her bones. when she cries now, it's not only for kai, but for everything that's shaken her that she's tried so hard to ignore. she nuzzles her face against dana's shoulder and selfishly mutters, ] Please don't ever disappear.
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she can't remember the last time she held addy like this, close enough to press her nose against the crown of deep red hair and breathe her in — and if she does it now, selfishly, it's because she's always been comforted by this, by soft strands threading between her fingertips. it's impossible not to have a fleeting, distant reminder of her hands stroking lightly through this hair a long time ago, a threading grip that had guided soft lips to her own, but she tries to shove down what it dredges up for her in the way of feeling anything else because she knows addy needs the comfort as much as she does. ]
I won't. [ she can't make that promise, can she? she can't guarantee that this strange place won't decide to give her up too, but if it does happen it won't be her choice. and maybe that's what she has to fall back on, that she would never willingly leave.
her fingers sweep long hair back from addy's neck, thumb gently stroking against the soft skin of her nape, and she presses her cheek against addy's head, breathing a soft sigh, wet tracks on her own face. she doesn't even remember starting to cry and yet it's already happened. ] I... I can stay over tonight? [ if this reasserts anything in her mind it's that addy shouldn't be by herself in this house right now. ]
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but what she also knows is that despite what she'd given up with dana, what she had presumed wouldn't be possible long before she'd left back to her world for three years, what she reminded herself when she ultimately returned and saw the girl again — is that there's still a corner of her own heart still specifically reserved for the redhead who'd once taken a piece of it. that even if she'd given up the chance at something more, once believing she didn't have enough to offer, it would be fine, just as long as she could keep her in her life somehow.
clutching tight to her now, addy reminds that feeling so vividly, and she wonders if all her tears are for kai or if some part of it is for a different kind of loss she thought she'd forgotten.
and still, she's selfish, selfish for the closeness she earns in her sadness, for dana's lips on her hair and the warmth of her embrace, and maybe it's enough of something, safe enough without crossing boundaries that can't be crossed again. maybe she can be selfish to just have this much again. ]
Yeah. [ she answers quietly, giving a slight nod as to not shift them too much, maintaining the hold as she sniffles. ] Can you?
no subject
and she won't turn away the chance to be close to addy like this either, touches between them that happen without her even having to think about it — which might be dangerous all on its own, but she's not pulling away either. maybe a part of her thought she would have to keep her distance with what's happened between them, with the years that addy went back and lived before returning with all the scars that reflect that time spent away. the hair beneath her fingertips is longer, but deep down, she can still smell addy in it, feel the same comforting press of that softness against her own. ]
Of course. [ like she would've stayed even if addy had wavered at the idea, just wanting more of a confirmation that she's welcome to linger here than anything else.
all of a sudden, she feels a cold wet nose snuffling at her ankles and peers over addy's head to spot kai's puppy curiously investigating what they're up to. the chuckle that rises up out of her is a little teary, but she tips her cheek to addy's head one last time, maintaining contact between them by taking one of her hands and linking their fingers. ] You checking on us too, buddy?